by Ismail "Izzy" Ibric (Dec. 2006 - DeVry Institute of Technology)
The Question: Does society influence a couple's decision to stay together?
The way we behave and what we have accepted as normal are but a few things that influence our lives. Each era has seen its people scrutinized for not following the norms. The Salem witch hunts burned women at the stake for being different and following their own ways. Scientists were discredited in public for even suggesting that earth was not at the center of the universe. Could it be that society, which are comprised of such people, have an overwhelming influence on our daily lives? For instance, women might be driven by the needs of their parents, and society, to be a good girl to the people around them, even to their partners, not acting on what she wants, but what is expected of her. (Clegg, p. 5) Does society influence a couple's decision to stay together in this day and age?
Growing up, we were thought to act in a certain way, to stand up straight and be presentable. Slouching was not for the noble among us. Keeping this image of being pristine, even after we have grown up, seems only too normal. Looking at our parents, who have been life partners for so many years, and have loves us so dearly, it would seem only natural to strive to have a wonderful family of our own just like they had. The need to be in a relationship is overwhelming, and sometimes so, even if your partner might not be the prince charming, as many young girls are lead to believe. Growing up, girls are led to believe that their prince charming will someday come to whisk them away and live happy ever after. Immediate family and friends place expectations on their children to find a life partner, even if that partner might not be what they are looking for.
As young adults who have fully matured, emotionally and biologically, we look for our mates, and are influenced by others in what we should be looking for in our life partners. Things we should be looking for might be for successful individuals that have succeeded in life and know a thing or two about the world. The desire for your own new family to have what your parents had might not be possible with someone that is penniless. Living the "American Dream" means competing with the Joneses to having the nicest car, living in the best neighborhood, and having the latest do-das. Made to feel you have succeeded in life might only be possible from the approval of people. Social standing and what others think of us play a role in our happiness.
Parents strive to provide for their family. Both parents might have jobs and barely get ahead. Giving their kids what they might not have had growing up might be a driving factor to push on, even if life turned out to be different than what they had in mind. These couples find themselves in a position of putting their kids ahead of their own needs. This was, and still is, an acceptable practice by many couples and to do otherwise would be frowned upon by society and though of as an inability by one of the partners to make it work, for such reasons as being self centered and just looking out for ones own interests. "Nevertheless, a divorce, no matter how short the marriage, was a troubling admission of a mistake or even failure."(Weiss, p. 184) The possibility of being viewed as having failed in marriage by people might keep those parents together, even though the only thing in common they share are seeing their kids happy. These couples stay together because of their kids, as society views the need for both parents as a requirement for the child's well being for growing up normal.
The couples that do divorce are scrutinized for contributing to the delinquency of minors, because their child did not have both parents to raise him/her. Society has deemed the separation of couples as the number one threat to the healthy development of a child. A smaller portion of people in today's society are looking to lawmakers to make it even more difficult to divorce because married couples are not suppose to have the option to easily reconsider their relationships, if two people are meant to stay together or look for someone more compatible. (Hewlett, p. 242) This trend still exists in some societies, and was once the way of life also in America in late 1900's. Since forcing couples to stay together in America in this day and age is not as effective anymore, the masses are preaching to separated parents to not loose contact with their biological child, and to try and be apart of their lives growing up. Societies influence on Post-Marriage in America has shifted in this regard towards encouraging parents to continue to be there for their children, even if their spouse did not turn out to be an ideal match.
The shift that has been happening in America for the past decades is far ahead of other countries in what is acceptable and expected of parents. The focus has shifted from putting family first, to looking to fulfill ones own needs. This is a great departure from what was expected from parents in the past. Gender roles have dictated the lives people have lead not that many years ago and still lead in other countries/nationalities. "The decline in the family wage (the ability of one partner to be able to earn enough to support a family) has made the simple division between 'father breadwinner' and 'mother homemaker' harder to maintain in its pure form, but many couples maintain and reinforce the division of responsibility that accompanies it." (Townsend, p.94) The image society has built of the father being the sole breadwinner is not the case any longer. Mothers that have come to an agreement with the fathers opted to pursue their careers further to become the sole breadwinners in the family. The father might have chosen to be a stay at home day and care for the kids. What once society considered a breadwinner, the father being the sole provider, is no longer the case today. Mothers could take on that responsibility too, switching roles with their partner, and the father can stay at home and be just as supportive to the family as mom was.
Other societies are starting to adapt the notion of making their own choices and not letting society control their lives. "The women of India are uniting to free themselves from centuries of gender-based restrictions, and it's made life for many both better and worse," women in India "… now have more choice in the way they live their lives." (Orvis, http) Many nationalities that comprise the society that we have in the US today have come from across the globe, and are coming slowly to the same realizations that others have already discovered long ago. Arranged marriages and other variations of traditional, old fashioned, gender roles are not suitable for the newer generations. Once upon a time such couples where matched together out of necessity, and expected to fulfill their duties, modeling their roles to kings and queens of their times. These values have changed, not to reflect kings and queens, but of others that take life into their own hands and dictate their own destiny, much like some women do, Oprah for instance, moving away from accepting what society say they should be doing.
While there are some people that still hold onto the tried and true, the old ways, the newer generations are rejecting their parents and grandparents roles of pleasing the public at large, which entails holding an image of being pristine and never faltering. Getting involved in a relationship no longer means throwing your whole life away because you made a wrong judgment about your partner, or were not aware of their drinking habits, or of their abusive nature. Selfish as it sounds, we have but one life to live and having someone that you can share your time on this planet with is the greatest gift of all. Individuals are looking for partners that can get along and are in sync. Misunderstandings lead to mystification and blame. Different people have different styles of communication and being able to understand them allows us to take their criticism as only their point of view. (Tannen, p. 48) Being able to understand societies needs and those of their own, couples can do what is best suited for them. This is the trend we are moving towards, and societies influence on weather couples stay together is no longer and issue as life is too short to spend it in a relationship that does not seem to work.
References
Clegg, E. M. (1997). Goodbye good girl: Letting go of the rules and taking back your self. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.
Hewlett, A. S., & West, C. (1998). The War Against Parents. New York: Houghton Mifflin Company.
Tannen, D. (1990). You just don't understand: Women and men in conversation. New York: Random House, Inc.
Townsend, N. W. (1998). The package deal: Marriage, work, and fatherhood in men's lives. Philadelphia: Temple University Press.
Weiss, J. (2000). To have and to hold: Marriage, the baby boom, and social change. Chicago: The University of Chicago Press.
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